OK, so I forgot my password..

Yes, it's been 8 months since I last wrote. And that is because I forgot my password. Only did it occur to me tonight. I also forgot after a while that I had a blog until I felt like searching other blogs. Some say it's mommy forgetfulness, I just say it's me getting old, haha.

Life has been rather chaotic lately. "They" say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I feel like God always makes sure I have a full plate of things TO handle. And I want to know who "They" is. I try to live by that philosophy always but I find lately it's harder and harder to do so. I feel like crumbling. Some days it takes everything I have to get up out of bed.

My son asked me today if I was happy. And said that it was ok if I wasn't because we aren't always supposed to be happy - that is why God gave us different feelings to use. And I thought a while about that - he makes a lot of sense. (yes, my son is incredibly smart!). And I finally answered him truthfully - that sometimes I am not happy. That sometimes I am sad, sometimes I am mad, and sometimes I just don't know how I'm feeling. That is me today - I'm not sure where my thoughts are anymore.

I've been faced with some challenges lately - challenges to do with myself, and challenges to do with how I looked at people and now are seeing them in a new light, not necessarily a good light. That scares me. I don't like change, and seeing these "new lights" if you will, well, I'm not pleased with what I'm seeing and accepting the change only scares me even more. So what does one do? Ignore the fact that the change is happening? Move past it? Deal with it? I'm not sure, and that is what the battle is in my head. And not just in my head, but deeply in my heart.

I have seen in the last few weeks that some people are not who I thought they were. Or maybe they haven't changed, maybe I had misconceptions about who they were. Or maybe I had high hopes as to who they were. In any case, my thoughts and opinions on them have changed, and that frightens me. I want things to go back to how they were, and they can't.

I'm wondering if this post makes any sense. In my head it does, but if you are reading it, it probably doesn't. But that's ok. Because for me typing it out helps, seeing it in print makes me have to face these fears, these new truths. And pray that I will one day be able to move past them.